The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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