dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
