Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My feet surprised me
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
