dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
