I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
