What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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