I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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