if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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