Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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