He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I want to fling myself into the sun
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
