dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
