I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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