Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
im on a boat
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