She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
