Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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