you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
