6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You made out with two different species that night
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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