and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
