Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Having a random hookup so left but love u
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Less talking, more tequila
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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