If that was your dad, he is hot
i already hear my dad disowning me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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