You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
