I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
