Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
