Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
