My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
