I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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