Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
