i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
