I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
