Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
