if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
