he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
