Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Randomize
