i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
