just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
