the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
