Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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