I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
