I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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