life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
