eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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