Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
