whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How external is "for external use only"?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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