i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
