If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
