shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize