I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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