im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
