i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
