i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
