when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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