Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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