I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Can I color on your dick again?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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