My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
