I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
