There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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