There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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