shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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